Ennui as Entertainment

Thanks, Jeff, for introducing me to this...

Unhappy Hipster

Isn't a pinched expression enough?

With all best wishes for 2010.

I rang in the new year (or got close, anyway) wrapped in a heating pad and propped up on an assortment of little yoga blocks to help me deal with what is either a pinched nerve in my neck or a broken collarbone. I don't know which because my doctor has apparently decided to take the month off. I can't tell for sure because there's no answer at her office. So I'd like to remove my doctor's name from the best wishes list. My hope is that she has a good 2010, but not quite the best.

I first attempted to fix my shoulder by lifting weights vigorously. That seemed to be working (my attention shifted over from my discomfort to trying not to drop free weights on my face) but when I left the gym some unseen force decided to take a blowtorch to my shoulder. So I'd like to wish the weights at the gym only a pretty good 2010.

Things were getting serious, so I went online to diagnose my problem. Whew! Thanks be to god for Google! I discovered that I have probably done irreversible damage to myself and am in for a lifetime of pain and surgery at the hands of a drug-addled surgeon who, because of many impending malpractice cases, is the only one who does not have a four year waiting list. Atrophy of the afflicted limb is a near certaintly and so is a lifelong dependence on painkillers. Glad we got that sorted out! I'd like to wish the sufferers of non-responsive pinched nerves the absolute best of 2010 for their bravery in sharing their stories in spite of the veil of pain under which they live. Permanently.

Luckily, the sufferers had some suggestions, including traction devices. I have one on order now. I am trying not to think of the possible complications that could arise from using this. If the worst happens, and someone opens the door and I strangle and drown simultaneously, please sue everyone at Pain and Peril Medical Supplies Depot in Illinois. I'd also like to wish them a pretty good 2010. Or a great one, if the strangulation device works.



My husband assessed the situation and has, with his advanced medical knowledge, determined that I have "bad technique". He didn't mention any specifics, but disdainfully kicked my office chair, which he's never liked. He seems to think the problem is ergonomics. He waved an arm at my desk and computer and pronounced them "all wrong". In recognition of his contribution to my healing process, I'd like to wish him the very best in 2010. The makers of the chair, however, should only have a moderately okay 2010.

Yesterday I got a massage to help and as soon as I lay on the table I began weeping uncontrollably. The pain, you know. I would like to use this occasion to send the disconcerted massage therapist my apologies for getting mascara all over that little pillow thing on her table and to let her know that I am normally quite a stoic person. I'd also like her to google pinched nerves any time she needs a good cry. Wishing her the best of 2010.

So that's basically it. I'd like to lose twelve pounds this year and regain the use of my right arm. Unless otherwise specified, please take a best wishes for you and yours.

P.S. My interview with the lovely Sheryl McKay of North by Northwest will air this Sunday after the 8:00 a.m. news on CBC Radio One. I believe I may have rambled on about Holden Caulfield. For that I apologize.

P.P.S. I'd edit this post, but my nerve is tired.

xox