The best...

and most inspiring music video ever created!

http://www.wherethehellismatt.com

(Click on the video to watch Matt Harding spread joy around the world.)

The Trail Ride

8:05 a.m.
Me: Hello Tango! Up and at 'em! We're going for a trail ride to keep you fresh and happy in your ring work. I'm not at all nervous that we have to walk for at least twenty minutes along a busy road. After all, this is a rural area. People in Cedar know to slow down when they see a horse on the road.

Tango: ----

8:35
Me: Okay, big guy. You're all tacked up, so I'll just strap on my brilliant orange reflective vest and we'll be ready to go. Now don't look at me like that! I'm putting your halter back on because I'm going to LEAD you along the road until we reach the trail. I don't have disability. No way I'm riding you.

Tango: (Gives unimpressed look. Chews a bit on lead rope.)

8:37
Me: Look at us! We are practically Monty Roberts, the horse whisperer guy who wrote Shy Boy, the book about that mustang he tamed out on the open range without even a rope or anything. That's how in touch with trail riding we are! In a minute we might even be at the end of the driveway!

Tango: Clop, clop, clop.

8:40
Me: For god's sake would you chill out? It's a horse. It's behind a fence. It's not going to kill you. There's no need to snort like a dragon who just spotted a princess. You are such a red-headed drama king sometimes, but I have to admit you look quite handsome with your neck all arched, prancing along like that. When you look this good I don't even mind that you are my single biggest expense.

Tango: Snort, snort.

8:45
Me: Okay, we are about to reach the first road with traffic. Don't be a dick. Just keep it together. This trail ride extremely important for your mental health. Could you stop pulling already? My arm is killing me.

Tango: Snort, snort.

8:50
Me: Okay, now I have to lead you through the gas station to get to Holden Corso Road. Would you please stop pulling on me? I think my arms are going to fall off. God, why does that stupid motorcycle have to pull in now? I'm never watching stupid Orange County Chopper again. From now on I will only watch horse friendly shows such as Littlest Hobo and The Office.

Tango: Snort! Snort!

8:52
Me: We made it! We walked through the gas station! Right through the motorbikes and the trucks and everything. We are one third of the way there! I think I'm going to write a book about this. I'll call it Not So Shy Boy Walks Through a Gas Station... If I wasn't hanging on to the lead rope so tight to keep you from taking off I'd make a note of that.

Tango: Snort, snort.

8:54
Me: We're on Holden Corso. So far, so good. Hardly any cars. This is going pretty well. I may start hiring myself out as a trail guide and you as a trail horse.

Tango: Snort, snort. Clop, clop.

8:55
Me: Hey! That guy didn't even slow down. It's okay, Tango. Whoa, boy. Keep it together.

Tango: Clippety-clop, SNORT!

8:56
Me: What the --? Way to drive by going NINETY you jerk! It's okay, T. You'll be fine.

Tango: Scrape, clatter, clatter. SNORT!! SNORT!!

Me: Oh my god. We are going to be killed.

8:57
Me: You FREAKING IDIOT! SLOW DOWN! WHAT KIND OF RURAL PERSON ARE YOU WHO DOESN't KNOW TO SLOW DOWN AROUND HORSES? ARE YOU FROM VANCOUVER OR SOMETHING????

Tango: SNORT!!! SNORT!!!

9:03
Me: Oh crap. Great. A yard sale. I thought once we got off Holden Corso we'd be okay. Now we have to get through big line ups of indecisive drivers and big bunches of balloons.

Tango: (Balloons?)

9:05
Me: Whoa! Whoa!

Tango: Scrape, clatter, clatter. SNORT!!! SNORT!!!!

9:10
Me: I hate balloons. But look! It's the trailhead!

Tango: (Ears pricked forward with interest rather than alarm for the first time in almost thirty minutes.)

9:12
Me: See? Isn't this lovely? The trees and ferns and long grasses? The soft cedar chip path underfoot? There was no need to get all sweaty and nearly tear my arm out of its socket.

Tango: Clip, clop. (Nose clearing noise that indicates relaxation.)

10:00
Me: Damn. The trail ride is over already. I can't believe I have to walk you back along that road. My arm is still trembling from exhaustion. I don't know if I can do this.

Tango: Clip, clop. (Snatches at a bit of grass along the path. Chews contentedly.)

10:05
Me: Goddamn yard sale. Hate the yard sale.

Tango: Clip, clop.

10:09
Me: SLOW DOWN SHITWEED! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WEARING A REFLECTIVE VEST HERE! I'M LEADING A THIRTEEN HUNDRED POUND HORSE! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE HIM TO SPOOK AND END UP GOING THROUGH YOUR WINDSHIELD? HUH?

Tango: Clip, clop.

10:16
Me: YOU TOO, DIRTBAG! JUST CAUSE YOU HAVE A KAYAK ON YOUR ROOF YOU THINK YOU CAN DRIVE PAST GOING 80? IF THIS HORSE SPOOKS AND YOU HIT HIM YOU'RE PAYING THE VET BILLS! BECAUSE I'M WEARING MY REFLECTIVE VEST!!!

Tango: Clip, clop. (Snatches at grass on roadside while I scream and gesture at traffic going in both directions. Idly swishes away fly with tail.)

10:22
Me: Gas stations are a blight on the environment. I goddamn hate gas stations.

Tango: Clip, clop.

10:24
Me: I don't know why people let their horse hang around right next to the road. I hate horses that are next to the road.

Tango: Clip, clop.

10:29
Me: Well, I hope you enjoyed your trail ride because I'm completely shattered. I really am. You're going to need to put yourself away because I need to go and lie down in the car and listen to some soothing music.

Tango: ---- (Chews lead rope in a contented way.)




Back in the ring where we belong...

Free Listing Service

Tonight on Alice, I Think:

Alice goes to a bush party! Or does she? (At least, I think this is the episode that's on tonight at 8:00 on Comedy.)

And for those of you who missed the first episode or CAN'T GET ENOUGH, CTV is airing the whole series starting this Sunday at 7:00.

Check out the new ads posted around Toronto and Vancouver:


Alice on the bus!




Alice on the bus shelter!




Alice at the Eaton Centre!




Alice on the Gardiner Expressway!!!

And now a word...

from our Official Irish Correspondent!


Dear Susan,

I'm very happy 'bout the Irish correspondent thing!!!!!! Yippee!!!!!! Do I get diplomatic immunity? Do I get a chain of office? Or am I mixing it up with ambassadors? (Did I spell that right????) *accepts position with tears*
[Yes, you get both diplomatic immunity and chain of office. I don't actually know what chain of office is, but it sounds like something you should have in your capacity as Official Irish Correspondent.]

And now, it's your daily Irish history minute with your host...Graci!

WAY back in ye old days (around the time of Queen Elizabeth) the people of ye old Britain decided to make a trip over to ye old Ireland. They liked us sooooo much they decided to plunder our land and take us over. A few centuries later the Irish Republican Army (don't know why they called themselves that) formed. They were Irish men and women who were tired of having the English in here. This was in the 1920s. They decided to have a mass revolution, but in the end it only took place in Dublin.

Basically, to cut a long, long, LONG story short, they took over the GPO the GPO is the headquarters of An Post, which is the Irish Canada Post), and refused to move out until Ireland was given to the Irish. There are 32 counties in Ireland, but we only got back 26. The remaining 8 counties are still technically part of England, but peace talks are under way to get back the 8 counties.

As for Bono... Bono is no longer cool (last time I checked he's still Irish), because even though what he does for Africa is so cool you need a coat, he's a bit annoying at this stage. Like, RTE (that's the Irish national TV station) went over to Africa and not a SINGLE person there knew who Bono was!!!! Also, BONO? Kind of dorky. *phone rings* "Franco? Whadya mean I have to retract that??? NO!" Sorry, I have to argue with the imaginary Franco.

Still A VERY Happy Fan,

Graciiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii (I was trying to do a Taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarzan yell)

PS: Here's another Irish slang term for you: Knackered. Means: tired, exhausted, wrecked, you get the picture.

PPS: When's Alice McLeod, Realist At Last coming out?
[That’s a good question. I’ll look into that. As you can see, I’m completely on top of all my business affairs… Perhaps you could lend me Franco.]

PPPS: The reason your books are distributed under a English publisher here are because we are a veeeeeeeeery small country, and there aren't enough readers/writers to support a proper publishing industry, so we just buy all the English books, and most Irish writers get a UK deal.

PPPPS: There are a FEW Irish publishers, but they all get government grants, so they publish anything. Your books three words long? Don't worry, they'll publish it in Ireland!
[I can hear all the aspiring writers now hitting Google to find out how they can go about getting Irish citizenship.]

PPPPPS: Franco says I have to make my letters shorter.

PPPPPPS: He also says I have to have less PSs.
[Franco needs to be more flexible.]

PPPPPPPS: I'm sure in Canada McGregor is perfectly normal. I'm pretty sure that you'd think some of OUR names are weird.

PPPPPPPPS: OK, I'M GOING TO STOP WRITING NOW!!!!!!!

PPPPPPPPPS: I'm pretty sure you're tired of me now, so I'll stop.
[Not even close. But if you have to go, I understand.]

PPPPPPPPPPS: Before I go, have a award for reading all this!
[Thank you. Very kind. And, as always, an excellently funny and informative Graci letter/report from Ireland.]

Alice On TV

Breaking news for those of you who don't get the Comedy Network or want to see the show a second time: Alice, I Think will be airing on CTV starting Sunday, June 18th at 7:00!

Also, tonight's episode on Comedy is "Working Stiff". aliceithink.com (Some people have written to say that "Taboo" or as I affectionately call it, the meat episode, is being advertised for this week.) Anyway, if it is "Working Stiff", look for a wooden actor (ahem) in a striped shirt who is trying to buy a copy of Miss Smithers. I've been a little afraid to watch the episode, for reasons that will become clear after you watch, but I loved the script by Norm Hiscock, so it should be fun. And just a reminder that if you're enjoying the show, don't forget to write CTV and Comedy and tell them! Write to feedback@aliceithink.ca

Coming up soon: A Daily Irish Minute by Graci. I must say that since I posted Graci's message, all of the messages have gotten very witty. I'm thinking of turning this blog over to the readers!

Care...

about the environment? Concerned about global warming?

Join a party that includes Leonardo DiCaprio, Barack Obama, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Eliot Spitzer. Sign up on Stop Global Warming.org, the brain-child of my personal hero, Laurie David.
www.stopglobalwarming.org

You can find my profile by looking it up under "Marchers" and plugging in my email address: andfurthermore@shaw.ca.

And for those who've asked about the status of the Imperiled Forest at the end of Long Lake in Nanaimo, I'm sad to say it's still imperiled. But thanks to all of you who sent ribbons and signs. A few of them were taken down, but people have picked them up and put them back in place. And in a heartening note, quite a few people have added their own ribbons. Once I figure out our new camera, I'll post some more pictures of the pre-housing development forest.

Reminder

for those who are interested, I'll be teaching a one-week intensive at UBC this summer on writing for children and young adults. For more information, please contact the Writing Centre at UBC or follow this link:

http://Writing for Children and Young Adults

During the five-day course that runs July 10 - 13 from 10:00 - 3:00, with an hour for lunch, we will be looking a several popular books for children and young people and discussing what makes them successful. Each day will include a lecture, class discussion, writing exercises and time for participants to work on their own projects. The course will include both group and individual feedback as well as guest lectures by a children's book publisher, a professor of children's literature and illustrator and others.

M.E.M: Part 2

After I posted Graci's most excellent letter, I received the following reply, which remarkably, is even more charming than the original letter. I hereby declare Graci this blog's official Irish correspondent. Kind of like CNN's man on the ground in Lebanon, only not really.


Hi Susan!

All I have to say is:
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! I'm in your blog! Not only is my letter your FIRST IRISH LETTER (cue celebration dance), it's in your blog! Hmm, let me read it again... Excellent sense of humour? Oh, yeeeeeeah. Go me. Susan Juby fans everywhere will be reading my letter! *gets PR person on phone* "Hello? Franco?" (Franco sounds about right for a PR person, doesn't it?)
[You slay me. Franco? The editor for the Alice TV show is named Franco. I will suggest that he look into opportunities in PR if the editing thing doesn't work out because you are quite right it's the perfect name.]

You should have heard me when I saw "Graci from Ireland":
"OHMYGODMYLETTERISONSUSANJUBYSBLOG!!!!!!!!!" Loudly.
I wouldn't be surprised if you heard me...
[I thought I heard something. But I assumed it was the guy in the house above us. He just started a band and they practice a lot. I thought it was a new instrument he was trying out.]

I hope the librarians don't read your blog... Death by library fines.
[A distinct possibility. The death by library fines part, not the reading my blog part.]

I'd be bankrupt. Oh, well. I'll just give them a BIG SMILE just in case. Hehehehehehehe. They'll never suspect a THING. Well, they might, because I always give them A Look when they start in on the: "Did you read a lot" thing. I've worked it out, and they've asked me that approximately 156 times.
[Ah yes, the Look is an effective tool. As is the big smile. In fact, I might try both of them the next time I get into financial difficulties.]

My cat asks you to send her a picture of the flea scarf. She's very proud of that.
[Will do as soon as I figure out how to work the new camera on this computer. Look forward to pictures sometime around 2009.]

Anyway, it's Getting Susan Juby's Books From The Library: Part 2 They rang me up two weeks after I FINALLY got the freaking book. They'd kept: I'm Alice (Beauty Queen) on hold. I, of course, took it.

...
[Modesty blank. Insert extremely nice compliment here.]

But I'd like to point something out: The. Pogues. Are. Not. English. They are...IRISH! It's so rare that something cool comes out of Ireland (Bono doesn't count), that you want to make sure they're KNOWN as Irish.
[Okay, now I'm going to reveal my ignorance. Isn't Ireland considered part of the UK? I thought it was because the UK rights for my books cover England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales. Do you think that you read UK and in your mind inserted the word "England" because Ireland's relationship with England is something like ours with the U.S.: that of a spirited small dog snarling up at a larger and more powerful brute? The brute might not even be looking at us (in our case, it's pretty much guaranteed that the brute is not looking at us) but we snarl anyway? Also, since you are now this blog's official Irish correspondent, why doesn't Bono count? Is he too famous? Or have you had it with the activism to the point where he's been kicked out of the club?]

I can't WAIT to read the next one...
[Thanks!]

Please write more of 'em...
[Will do. The third one is called Alice MacLeod, Realist at Last.]

Your VERY happy #1 Fan,

Graci
[Also known as Official Irish Correspondent for Out There. Should she want the job.]

P.S. It must be my handwriting's so messy, but it's "Janey Mack", not Janey
Mae.
[See, this is exactly why we need an Official Irish correspondent.]

Hockeyville

And now, a shameless plug for Smithers' Hockeyville bid.

Vote for Alice's home town!

http://www.smithershockeyville.com/

Alice's letter of reference:

Dear Deciders,

I am writing this letter in support of Smithers’ bid to become the official Hockeyville. I think it’s quite bighearted of me to help out since everybody laughed at me when I suggested we go for the title of Cheeseville last year. People just thought that was my bad attitude acting up again. I’m a little sinister and everything, but that doesn’t mean that I have no town spirit. I would like to see Smithers become Hockeyville because this town needs a kick in the pants, identity-wise. The Alpenhorn man is not enough anymore. Lots of people don’t even know what he is! I can’t tell you how many out of town visitors ask why there is a statue of a guy smoking a huge pipe at the entrance to Main Street. It leads to a lot of unfortunate jokes. In conclusion, you should make Smithers Hockeyville because everyone here, including my dad and my brother, is mental for hockey. Even my mom, who is a pacifist, likes it. Me, I’m more about curling, but that’s because I’m a bit more fashion-conscious. If Smithers were to become Hockeyville even I might switch over to show my civil pride. Also, if we get to have one of those exhibition games it would be a chance for me to wear this outfit I’ve been saving for a special cold-weather occasion.

Go Smithers Hockeyville!

Sincerely,

Alice MacLeod
Smithers, BC

Most Excellent Missives...

I love getting letters and emails, especially if they aren't hostile. I keep all of them and although I'm not always prompt about replying, I do try. (If you'd like to get a letter back from me it helps to enclose a self-addressed, stamped envelope. I can barely manage to pay my bills, much less get it together to go to Canada Post. Just ask my mom!)

Here is a recent favourite, courtesy of Graci in Ireland. It's my first letter from Ireland and that, combined with Graci's excellent sense of humour, make it a most excellent missive. (Please note it has been edited down for length and modesty.)



Hi Susan,

You have won a million dollars!

April fool.

Do April fools count if you don't get them until AFTER April Fools Day?

I just wanted to play an April Fools Day joke. (I only realised what day it was just now. The last time I played one I was eight and I shouted "SPIDER!" You have to admire my wit.)
[I do, Graci. I do.]

Janey mae, how did I get started on April Fools? (In case you want to know, "Janey mae" is an Irish expression. It means "Oh my God". I used it when I start to sound too much like the characters on Friends.) Where was I? I have no idea. By the way, I'd like to apologize in advance for any cat hair that might be here. (There's bound to be. There ALWAYS is.)
[My favourite letters are the ones where I learn something. Like this new Janey Mae term. I love that. Thanks also for the cat hair. I enjoyed it. Am thinking of knitting a very small sweater with it. Or perhaps a scarf for a flea. Something along those lines.]

...

[Insert here nice compliments about Alice that I'm too shy to share. Also insert a rather involved tale of how Graci finally tracked down a copy of Alice at her local library.]

The librarians at the library are boring. When I take out fifteen books, they ask me if I like reading. Barmy. Speaking of barmy, I told my mum about the bit with the electrical fields/computer thing 'cause it was so funny and she said that it was true, and that we should buy something that would block them. My mum's a hippy at heart.

Anyway, it's question time!
[Question away! Anything for you Graci, as you've added to my collection of colourful terms and provided the makings for a flea scarf or spider hat!]

1. Are you left- or right-handed. (I'm left-handed.)
[I'm right-handed, which may explain some of my more recent artistic efforts.]

2. Is Alice based on someone real?
[Not any one person. Alice is a bunch of characteristics thrown together to make a new person.]

3. Is Smithers a real place?
[It is. It's located in B.C., Canada. I grew up in Smithers. It's Smithers' fault that I'm how I am.]

4. How come Alice has a normal name, but her brother doesn't?
[I thought MacGregor was a normal name.]

5. Where did you get the name MacGregor?
[My uncle Greg's real name is MacGregor. Now I can tease him that he has a fake-sounding name. It's important to remember that Canada was originally a colony. We get a lot of things wrong.]

6. What was your favourite book when you were a kid?
[Black Beauty and later, Catcher in the Rye.]

7. What's your favourite book now?
[I have too many to pick just one, but some books I read over and over as an adult are Clockers by Richard Price and the Psmith and Bertie and Jeeves books by P.G. Wodhouse.]

8. Did you have parents like Alice does?
[No. They want you to know that they're not like that AT ALL!]

10. Do you let anyone read your books before you send them off?
[Yes, I have a select group of adults and younger readers who read my manuscripts and dash my dreams that I've finally written a work of genius.]

11. Do you have any writing tips?
[Write a lot. Read even more. Write what you like to read. After you finish writing something, read some how-to-write books to get ready for editing, but don't read them before or you'll get bogged down.]

12. Do you get a lot of letters?
[Quite a few. I wish more of them contained money, but I'm always happy to get them.]

13. Does Jack have a crush on Alice?
[At a subconscious level I think he does. It's very subconscious, however. He would die before admitting it. Jack is not in touch with his inner feelings.]

I've just realised how long this letter is. WELL DONE FOR READING IT!!!!
[Thanks!]

Your no. 1 fan,

Graci

P.S. I just remembered that you have a website, so I crossed that question out.

P.P.S. Please write back so I can add another letter to my collection!

P.P.P.S. In case you wanted to know, here's my author letter collection:
A letter from Darren Shan
A letter from Cathy Cassidy
A letter from Meg Cabot
A letter from Ann M. Martin
[Very good choices! Especially Meg Cabot.]

P.P.P.P.S. Wait a minute, why would you want to know that?

P.P.P.P.P.S.I forgot to tell you that I'm a lot like Alice.
[I was sort of getting that. That makes me YOUR no. 1 fan!]

P.P.P.P.P.P.S.That's a lot of P.S.s.
[It is, indeed!]

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Well, bye!

Aubrey...

For all you newly minted Alice, I Think watchers, don't forget to tune in tonight at 8:00 to see episode 2. Hint: it contains another haircut and a most intriguing boy from Prince George... He's in a band! Need I say more?

I hope you'll all watch and tell your friends to watch too...