Keep Smithers Smithers

The town of Smithers has done an unusually good job of keeping its downtown vibrant, so I am saddened to hear that Walmart has the town in its sights again.

Smithers has created and maintained a Main Street worthy of doing mainers. There are real live small merchants thriving (or at least surviving) in the downtown, which is more than most communities with a Walmart can say. And all of this is sure to change if Walmart is allowed to build on the outskirts of town.

I admit that as a teen growing up in Smithers I was less-than-gracious about certain shortcomings I detected (such as the town's tragic and short-sighted lack of proximity to New York) but I'd hate to see it fall prey to the Walmart juggernaut. To all you Walmart haters: Hold fast! Stay strong! And may the force be with you!

Lend your voice or at least your ear. You know, if you're interested...

Smart Growth for Smithers

(It goes without saying that I hope Home Depot isn't welcomed into Smithers either, since we're broken up and everything.)

Oh, and one more thing: Out There is proud to welcome Stephanie who has very kindly accepted the position as Out There's Official Italian-Canadian Correspondent from Ontario. The following is an excerpt from her very gracious acceptance letter.

"But because I can’t come to Vancouver this weekend, I will dress up in my most “Alice Worthy” outfit and I will walk around all Sunday in it. I’ll even take a picture of it and I’ll send it to you. And when people give me strange looks and ask me questions about my outfit, I will tell them that “I am PROUDLY Out There's Official Italian-Canadian Correspondent from Ontario paying homage to Alice’s Wardrobe.” Hopefully I will find one other soul who understands what I am doing. Although most people will probably be grabbing out their cell phones and calling Canada 411, asking where the nearest psychiatric hospital is. But in conclusion: I am proud to an Alice Fan, who will wear outrageous outfits, and doesn’t mind seeming crazy to the rest of the world. (Or at least to the people in Oak Ridges)."

Welcome to the family, Stephanie!

Come One, Come All

To Word on the Street!

This Sunday at 2:40 p.m. in the Canada Reads tent I will be talking Alice with someone who is in a position to know! There will be free earth clods for anyone who pays homage to Alice's uniquely devastating fashion sense (i.e. anyone who gives their inner thrift queen or king a workout). Please beware that the earth clods may contain nuts and so might the audience. The best Alice look will receive an autographed can of Spam and a maybe even a copy of Season One of the Alice, I Think show on DVD. I know, I know, it's the kind of prize that could cause a riot, similar to the chaotic scenes that take place at the openings of new Wal Marts or during Boxing Day Super Sales at Dollar Stores.

Last time I appeared at WOTS I accidentally hit an audience member with a cherry-flavoured Lipsmacker. I absolutely promise not to do that this time.

You should also look for Carol Windley at 1:20 in the same tent. She'll be reading from her new short story collection, Home Schooling, which has just been long listed for the Giller. And don't miss Robert Wiersema reading from Before I Wake. It's an amazing book.

Oh, and don't forget that Meg Cabot is coming to town this Friday. Call Vancouver Kidsbooks for information about tickets!

M.E.M.

For some time now, I've been meaning to post more letters from my mailbag/inbox. This letter, from Stephanie, is a recent favourite. As with Graci's letter, it has been edited for the purposes of modesty. Most of the compliments aimed my way have been taken out. That doesn't mean that I don't like to receive compliments. I just don't think it's seemly to post them. As the beer sellers like to say, I AM CANADIAN!

The letter:

Hi Susan Juby,

Before I start with my letter, I would personally like to apologize. I am not apologizing because I am some escaped convict who likes to read your books in their spare time, while trying to get free from jail. Oh no. I am apologizing as this letter may confuse you, and you may be tempted to throw it in a fire when you’re done reading it. But you don’t seem like a letter-throwing-in-the-fire type person. Actually I’m not sure even why you would throw it in your fire, but anyways on with my letter!

(Thank you for advisory message. You're right that I'm not much for burning letters. Or books. Or even bras for that matter. But I approve of covering one's bases and preparing for the worst.)


Hi! How are you? Right now, I am wondering if you get asked a lot in letters how you are feeling at the moment.
(Actually, I don't get asked that as much as I would like. So thank you.)

Well anyway, I hope you are feeing happy and you are having a good day. Unfortunately I am not having a good day. Today I went outside to my backyard to get some fresh air. (My mum says I spend too much time inside reading. Well maybe I do.) Then all of a sudden, a rabid soccer ball came out of nowhere and hit me in the head. Yes, a rabid soccer ball. Fortunately for me, I did not suffer a traumatizing, life threatening concussion, so I am able to write you this letter.
(Thank the gods for small mercies! I'm glad the soccer ball did not inflict terrible injuries! You may want to point out to your mom that few people who are safely reading indoors have to deal with rogue soccer balls. It's just a suggestion... Please don't tell her it was my suggestion.)


[Insert extremely kind compliments here.] I love how you describe Alice, as it reminds me of myself. I too was one of those children that preferred to read and was highly advanced at the age of seven. (Though it seems I’m not highly advanced anymore.) Although I never dressed up as a hobbit when I went to school, occasionally on Easter my cousin and I would dress up as fairies/unicorns. We would then walk around her house, speaking our fairy/unicorn language. (We don’t dress up like that anymore though.) The other thing I loved about your books is how I couldn’t stop laughing. When ever I was reading one of the books, I would randomly start laughing. This would usually be followed by people around me staring at me as if I was crazy. Thank you Susan Juby, for letting everyone I know, that I really am as crazy as I seem. (Although I’m not a put-me-in-a-mental-institution crazy or even an I-want-to-take-over-the-world crazy type person.)
(Thank YOU Stephanie for making me laugh three times in the space of one paragraph!)


The Alice, I Think TV show is great. The Friday that it premiered on the Comedy Network, I convinced my mom to watch the show with me. I told her that she would love the show, and that she would want to watch it with me each week. (I personally think the only reason she watched it with me, was so that she could work on this needle point thing that she does, at the same time while she pretended to watch the show.) So anyways, my mom started watching the show with me and now she loves it. (Mostly I think because she can relate to many of the situations.) My mother even said to me “Wow, Alice’s mother is a little strange." (She had just seen Diane walk out in her bra and underwear.) "Well, I’m not that weird” All I could think of, were the many times when she did things equivalent to that amount of embarrassment.
(I think the show's creators would be very happy to know that you are your mom watched the show together. That's a pretty great thing.)

Before I end my letter I just want to ask you a couple of questions. You can take as long as you want to answer these.
(You will note that I've taken several months. Sorry about that.)

Do you have a middle name?
(Sadly, I've just got the two. My mom gave my older brother a middle name, and then completely ran out of naming energy, so my two younger brothers and I only received first and last names. My older brother's middle name is Darren. I think we should all be able to use it...)

What is your background? (like Italian, English, Scottish…haha)
(Mostly Scottish. Like Alice. But we've been in Canada a very long time, so the Scottish part is just wishful thinking at this point.)

Can you send an autograph to [address blocked out for the purposes of privacy.]
(Will do.)

Will you be coming to Toronto or even Ontario in the near future for some sort of book endorsement or other purpose?
(I am not sure when I will next be in Toronto. It may not be until next fall when I have a book coming out. The book is called Riding Straight Forward and if all goes well, I may be able to ride it all the way to Ontario!)

If I come to Smithers in 2010 while on my way to the Olympics can I say hi to you?
(How fun that you may be attending the Olympics! Smithers is very far away from Vancouver. You'd have to go about 16 hours out of your way to find yourself in Smithers. And I actually live on Vancouver Island. Perhaps I'll be doing some sort of event in Vancouver around then in which case I'd be very happy to meet you.)

Was your childhood anything like Alice’s?
(Not really. Alice's family is more eccentric than mine and I was far less interesting than Alice. But I think we share a lot of the same feelings.)

Okay, well my question segment is over now. (Boo hoo.) But I do have one last thing to say. I read in your blog, in the letter from your talented Irish correspondent, that you like to learn new words. Because I am Italian (and I know only about 10 words in Italian) teach you a new word. Guastafesta. It’s a slang word that means “a party pooper”. It’s pronounced exactly as it looks. So there you go! I hope you liked my letter and that it doesn’t end up in a fire pit.
(Thank you for the new word. I will have many opportunities to use it, especially on myself. Guastafesta! And if you're interested in becoming Out There's Official Italian-Canadian Correspondent from Ontario, the job is yours. Maybe for the staff Christmas party I'll set up a dinner at the local Pizza Hut for you and Graci from Ireland! If we get enough correspondents we could get our own section of the restaurant! I'll ask for it to be roped off, because I think it could get quite wild and be disruptive to the other patrons.)

P.S. Today I found out a company that is building new subdivision in my town, is called McLeod’s Landing. Does that not remind you of something?


P.P.S I also realized that we have a street called Aubrey Side Road in my small town. It’s so weird, yet neat at the same time.
(Yes, it is. I sort of wish the Aubrey Side Road ran right through the new McLeod's Landing subdivision. That would be quite poetic.)


Thanks for writing!

All the best,

Susan (Darren) Juby

Dear Home Depot

You were my first big box store and I loved your epic size and bold colouring. I liked the way I could find nearly anything in your cavernous, warehouse style self. I also loved your knowledgable sales associates.

So it is with some regret I inform you that I am breaking up with you. I made this difficult decision yesterday. I came to you with the intent of buying some bricks. Like a lot of bricks, they were heavy and I had quite a bit of difficulty pushing the uncooperative trolley to the checkout. Once there, I discovered that you no longer have checkouts staffed with humans. Since the last time we got together you've installed self-serve checkouts.

It's bad enough that you've cut the number of sales associates to the point where we, your devoted customers, are forced to follow them around like lost puppies, but this is simply the last straw.

When I retired from retail I was making $17 per hour as a cashier (at a liquor store) so if you want me to check out my own bricks, you better have a cheque for $23.50 waiting for me when I hit the exit. (That's based on my calculation for how long it would take me to figure out how to ring through some bricks that don't have bar codes.) Also, I'd like to know exactly how much of a discount I'm getting for performing what is really your job. In addition, I'd like to know what you're going to do with all your cashiers. (Perhaps they'll all be employed in cutting cheques for customers who need to be paid for doing their work?)

Oh forget it. It's best that we just not see each other again.

Good luck H.D. and goodbye. Obviously, it was never meant to be.

P.S. I will be asking for half in the divorce settlement. Just so you know.


(Oh, and for all those who keep writing to say they'd like to see a second season and have already written CTV, I suggest getting active on the Alice, I Think forum on the CTV message board Alice, I Think Discussions. There are like-minded people on there and on the IMDb message boards IMDb. I know a lot of you are interested in the actors and particularly in Alice's clothes. The show's not a who-dunnit, so there's only so much plot to discuss, but you can meet some other fans there and let the network know you care!)

It's a wonder

there's any room left in that handbasket heading to hell...

Slush Fund

Happy first day back at school! I may pop over to Office Depot and pick up a few pencils just so I can feel included. The back-to-school supplies were mos def the best part of heading back into the trenches.

To those who are sad about going back (teachers and students, alike): my deepest sympathies.

To those who are happy about it: well, I don't speak your language, but good luck to you anyway, and may your optimism be justified.

Goose

O.K.

Nolan Funk was BRILLIANT as Goose! So funny and gauche yet charming. Perfect. He was even more funny and gauche yet charming and worthy of Alice than he was in my imagination (and he was pretty damn F&GYC in the old imagination!) He and Carly had the best chemistry. I'll be heartbroken if there isn't another season because I have to see more of Goose and Alice onscreen. I actually cried little when he and Alice said goodbye to one another. Sigh. Those damn kids.

I'm off to watch the season finale again. I'll offer Shirley Temple toasts to the entire cast and crew, the writers and producers and network execs. That much grenadine, ginger ale and o.j. will probably leave me at risk for early onset diabetes, but it's the least I can do.

The many and varied charms

of boys with hair in their eyes ...

Mitch Hedberg

Jim Anchower

Confession

The Super Burn is more like a Small Spark of Good Intentions this week. Weight has been lost accordingly, which is to say not at all. I remain undaunted. I may even sing a Gloria Gaynor song later today to encourage myself.

Alice received her TV report card and it looks like she's not getting grounded. No word on whether she's getting renewed, however...

Summer Series Report Card

I'm off to work this Spark of Intention into a full-fledged Flame of Ambition. I wonder if I could do that from bed?