A Prayer of Gratitude.

Dear God,

Thanks for a fun weekend. I appreciate that the pakoras I made for dinner worked out and didn't burn and that I was finally able to rent the last disc of Battlestar Galactica (which I've been waiting for for a least a week. Thanks also for my husband James, who picked up the takeout last night when I was so tired. That was nice. But mostly, God, thanks for not inspiring me to write a tell-all book about my wasted youth and triumphant and self-propelled recovery that was picked by Oprah for her book club and then exposed as a pack of damnable lies by those purveyors of mug shots at The Smoking Gun, which landed me on Larry King, where I was expected to explain myself, and then on Oprah again, where she kicked my ass back and forth (along with the asses of my editor and a few select others) until I was completely destroyed in front of an audience of millions. Also, thanks for not making me write several gritty yet poetic books about my life as a Navajo person under a single word psuedonym and then letting the L.A. Weekly expose me as a white-as-a-sheaf-of-bleached-paper former chronicler of the gay leather scene.

Those writers: always with the lies! And one more thing God, have you given any thought to my proposal? The one where I write a book revealing that I am the abandoned love child of Ted Nugent and Barbara Amiel (wife of that besieged former Canadian, Lord Black), and that as a toddler I had to forage through the garbage to get enough to eat because there was no room at Ted's ranch and Barbara couldn't fit me in any of her homes because she needed the room for shoes, but none of that matters because I've gone on to get my grade eight math certificate after several bold and courageous tries and any minute now someone's going to lift me up (by my bootstraps) where I belong by giving me a starring role in the next Farrelly brothers film? (Please note, God, that the bit about passing grade 8 math is mildly fictitious. The rest, however, is gospel, as they say in your house. You can take it to the bank.)

Until next time,

Your grateful servant,

Susan (Nugent Amiel)

I'll say it again...

When I grow up I want to write for Go Fug Yourself.

http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/2006/01/random_fig_jemi.html

This goal has become even more urgent now that it's clear I'm never going to make it as a debater. See, I had this unfortunate incident with Tango's farrier yesterday. We started to "discuss" politics but the conversation quickly turned into the equivalent of me "careening into a bunch of folding chairs" and "sitting up all blind and shit", and "things went horribly wrong from there". Seriously. I totally lost my shit and went RAAAAAHHHHHH rather than making a single logical point. Instead of going blind, I went dumb. Serves me right for talking about inflammatory subjects with someone who has the ability to LAME my horse should he choose (which he wouldn't, because despite our rather signal differences, ahem, Tango's farrier is a fine, fine human being.)

All that to say, it seems calm, measured argument is not my strong suit. My line is more the hurling of insults while calling grown men "dude" with maximum irritation just before my head explodes. Because that's the way one wins people over. Oh yes. Which political party wants to elect me for its next spokesperson?

I'm saddened that my ability to argue about things I care about hasn't improved one whit since I was nine. Then I was freaking out about the best techniques for performing You Light Up My Life by Debbie Boone. (I was totally incapable of making my point on that issue, too. When people refused to hold up their pretend lighter at the right moment I'd just freak out and go home, vowing never to dance or sing romantic ballads again.)

Dear everyone: I promise not to talk about politics on this blog or in my personal life for a good long while. If I feel the urge, I'll just put on the steam kettle and just let it squeal. Gives pretty much the same effect. And now I'm going to go and talk calmly to James why he needs to swing his arms out more when Debbie Boone sings "rolling at sea, adrift on the water." "You see, you're in the water before your life gets lit up. You're swimming. Maybe drowning a bit. With your arms. Like THIS damn it! ARMS! WAVING! NOOOOOO! Not like that. Not waving! DROWNING! Damn. Forget it. I'm going to my room."

Knitting for End Times

The other day, well, maybe about a month ago, my two younger brothers and I were talking about our respective roles when End Times comes. (No, this End Times obsession of mine has nothing to do with the recent election. AS IF! It's simply a result of watching three hours of Battlestar Galactica per night.) As I've mentioned before on this blog, I feel pretty unprepared for the Reckoning. And not just emotionally. An undergraduate degree in English literature and a master's degree in publishing aren't exactly the best preparation for being a productive citizen during End of Days (which, like Reckoning, is basically another term for End Times.)

Somewhere along the line, I've managed not to pick up a single functional skill. Mooning about politics and watching a LOT of television aren't exactly pioneer skills. (Please note that I see End Times as a cross between Little House on the Prairie and Lost. Please also note that I'm very sad on my own behalf that all my frames of reference are TV-based.) Anyway, my brothers and I came up with stuff for almost everyone in the family to do. My brother Trevor, a millwright, can fix the farm machinery (for the farm we're going to get from... somewhere.) Aaron is going to build things. Scott is going to be the head gardener. My mother will can things and bake bread. James will fish.

And I will... well, I will not watch TV, because there won't be any. And I won't be able to read all day, because unlike on Lost, where people seem to spend a lot of time farting around on the beach and indulging in copious quantities of personal back story, I think people are going to have to be busy in order to get ahead during End Times. It'll be more like The Littlest Hobo. You know, that show where the border collie trotted around everywhere and never got any damned rest because it was just one crisis after another. I won't be able to be a writer, because no one will have time to read (similar to how things work on The O.C.)

I was feeling pretty useless there until Aaron pointed out that as the proud supporter of a giant horse, I'll be able to a) give horse rides to those who lost their limbs during the Reckoning and b) coerce my giant horse into pulling a plow. So I'll be a horse wrangler. But I have this sneaking suspicion that Tango will have other ideas about what his role during End Times should be. (I'd imagine he's probably leaning more toward a free-ranging, grass grazing state of affairs.) So that leaves me with knitting. To prepare for this eventuality, I did a little End Times knitting this weekend. Using some yarn that I've knit up no less than FIVE times into various hideous and unsatisfactory garments, I created most of my first End Times sweater.



As you can see, it's both girlish and gloomy. I think it would have looked darling on Laura Ingalls Wilder, especially if she'd had a skateboard to go with her pigtails. (And was living on a set for The Chrysalids.)

And let me take this opportunity to send a shout-out to my fellow knitters who were making their own slightly less apocalyptic projects.



Oh, and speaking of apocalyptic cults, not that we were, the Book of Fred by Abby Bardi is amazing and you should read it right now.

I [heart] Rick Mercer

A link from his blog sent along by Maggie.

http://rickmercer.blogspot.com/2006/01/conservative-cabinet-revealed_09.html

While you're at it, you should check out Maggie's Live Journal.
http://faerie-writer.livejournal.com/
Maggie is the author of Princess Pawn and the upcoming Princess Mage.

Guests

One thing for the new Minister of the Environment (whomever he might be) and his leader to keep in mind: I've been watching Battlestar Galactica and I have discovered that there are FIFTY THOUSAND people headed for Earth. Upon learning this my first thought was, damn, they are going to be pretty frackin' disappointed if we've ruined it.

Can you imagine spending twenty years looking for a place and when you get there it turns out to be just a big iceburg or worse, a tree-less desert. If we can't keep the planet nice for our kids, maybe we could try and clean it for intergalactic house guests.

Just a thought.

(Please note, I'm only on the first disc of Battlestar. If they've already arrived, please don't tell me. And there's no need to inform the politicians.)

Positions...

Thank god for the CBC! Anna Maria Tremonti just interviewed the environment ministers from the three major parties (with commentary by the Greens). It's worth listening to:

http://www.cbc.ca/thecurrent/2006/200601/20060118.html

It was clear that all the environment ministers were concerned and well-intentioned. The issue is whether they have the ear of their respective leaders. I'm going to give this one to the NDP. (And not just because my mom told me I had to.) I don't believe the conservative plan to work together with the biggest polluters will work and Stephen Harper doesn't seem clear on the science of environmental warming. I'm not conviced that Paul Martin, acting as Prime Minister or the leader of the opposition, will actually get anything done. Jack's my bet for keeping the other two on task. (It's kind of fun using terms like "on task". I had a moment there where I felt like an Apprenti. Today I may also try and work the phrase "thinking outside the box" into the conversation. Hey, Frank. Come on buddy. You don't want a biscuit, do you? Why don't you try THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX?" heh. Yup, that's good fun.

Connections!

It's all about connections! (Making them, that is.)

Miss Heather just pointed out that Reggie, the fierce and marvelously deadpan little sister on Dead Like Me, is Britt McKillip, younger sister of Carly McKillip, who plays Alice. I knew there was a reason the Lass girls seemed like spiritual kin to Alice!

Members of the Alice, I Think cast spotted so far on Dead Like Me: Marcus (Michael Ecklund) as the fellow who is eaten by a bear in the second episode of season one, Death Lord Bob (the very charming Ryan Robbin) is the guy who throws himself off a roof (well, slips and falls) after a speed dating session, and Alice's dad, Dan Payne, shows up as the guy who gets caught cheating on reality TV.

I'm just beginning to watch the DVDs for Battlestar Galactica. Fingers crossed to spot some more Alice actors! Heh. Oh yeah, and the award for Most Romantic film of 2005 goes to The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill. Runner up: March of the Penguins. (Who, incidentally, live on ice, Stephen Harper. I'm just saying...)

Soap Box

http://www.sierraclub.ca/national/media/item.shtml?x=917

Yes, sorry, Mom. I know the NDP is also committed to addressing climate change. But neither they, nor the Liberals, have succeeded in making it a major part of the discussion, certainly not in the debates, anyway. I'm just saying! (And I'll stop now. Darn politics: getting me in trouble with my mom. Ahem.)

In less political news, I've just seen a final cut of an Alice, I Think episode WITH MUSIC and it's fantastic. So funny. I can't wait for people to see it. The actress who plays Linda blew me away.

According to headlines today, a Conservative victory is a sure thing. I'm sure some of the readers of this blog are Conservatives and some readers are undecided. If that's the case, please take a moment to consider that Stephen Harper is opposed to the Kyoto Accord and plans to either scrap it or scale back Canada's commitment to meeting the timetables set out in it.

I'm rapidly turning into a single issue voter. I believe that climate change is the single biggest issue facing every country on this planet. If you do vote Conservative in this election, please consider asking your candidate to keep Canada part of the solution.

And shame on everyone but the Green Party for not making the environment a bigger part of the discussion we are having about the future of this country. Politicians assume that voters are too selfish and incapable of long-term planning to care about the environment. That may be true of some, but it's certainly not true of all of us.

There will be no economy without a healthy environment. If you think that's extreme, take a look at New Orleans.

From The Virginia Daily Press, January 15

Doubt the science? Don't. Based on worldwide temperature data and other observations, Tim Barnett of the University of California's Scripps Institution of Oceanography sums up: "The debate is over, at least for rational people. And for those who insist that the uncertainties remain too great, their argument is no longer tenable. We've nailed it.

Among those who must be counted among the not-rational, immobilized by denial: the Bush administration, which ignores the evidence of science and remains in the thrall of the oil industry - and will not embrace Earth-friendly fuel-efficiency or emissions standards. Congress, likewise, has abdicated.

So it falls to states to deal with this momentous issue. By combining their muscle, they can accomplish a lot. Virginia belongs in this fight."

--Virginia Daily Press, January 15

http://www.dailypress.com/news/opinion/dp-46909sy0jan15,0,2591455.story?coll=dp-opinion-editorials

Don't let Canada join the ranks of the irrational, and the immobilized by denial.

This message was brought to you by a Single Issue Voter. Ahem. Now, back to our regular programming.

Cold Remedy

When you feel a cold coming on or, god forbid, if one has set in, I recommend the following:

1. Rent all four discs of season two of Dead Like Me.

2. Lay on the floor on a pillow in front of the couch. This position has the effect of keeping you feeling "under the weather" and thereby justified in watching an entire season of television in one day. The ground level position also means any congestion has less gravity working on it. This is a good thing.

3. Surround yourself with tissues, Neo Citron (or whatever generic brand of cold remedy you prefer), ripple chips, dill dip, knitting projects, your dog (or cat), who should also be provided with toys.

4. Watch the irony-laden, sarcasm-heavy antics of the marvelous George Lass, heroine of Dead Like Me. Laugh at great lines exchanged by the reapers. When you go into the washroom try not to look in the mirror. If you do, don't worry that although she's supposedly dead, George Lass's hair is thick and lustrous, while yours looks like an elderly rolled-up shag carpet on its way to the dump in the back of someone's truck. In the rain.

5. Pull yourself off the floor and join dog or cat on the couch for a nap.

6. After you awake, three hours later, descend once again to prone position on your floor pillow for more episodes of Dead Like Me. After six episodes you may begin to feel a certain Reaper-ish numbness enter your lower quarters. You may also notice that Ellen Muth, the excellent actress who plays George Lass, needs to eat more. Try to encourage her by eating a jumbo bag of ripple chips and dill dip but still feeling good about yourself and your mostly paralyzed body.

7. Throw squeaky toy across room three times for dog (or dangle mouse for two minutes for a cat.) Call that the afternoon walk.

8. When phone rings press pause then make voice as croaky as possible to get sympathy. Approximately one minute into conversation go into hacking, barking, coughing fit as an excuse to get off phone. Resume watching show. If dog has mistaken coughing fit for sign that a walk is imminent, dash dog's hopes with a single, withering look.

9. Figure out logistics of ordering in food without getting off floor. Consider telling delivery person where spare keys are kept so he/she can let him/herself in.

10. Share takeout food with pet to make up for three-throw walk. Send silent wish that the actress who plays George Lass is enjoying some takeout, wherever she is.

11. After watching final episode, consider options for other TV series on DVD to watch during tomorrow's sick day. In my experience, it generally takes two entire TV series and two days to get over the average cold.

Inspiration

comes in many forms...

www.knittaplease

Frank's New Year's Resolution

I will work on a softer approach to duck retrieval...