The Pitch

Mark! How are you? I’m really happy you agreed to see me today.

Let’s not waste any time. I have this idea for a new reality TV show. I just know you are the man to talk to. I mean, if it’s gonna be good, it’s gotta be Burnett, right?

So here’s the pitch: you know how on The Apprentice two teams of people compete to get a job with Donald Trump? And they are all good-looking business types who will do just about anything to help him pave the world and put a fancy casino or a golf course or whatever on it because the The Donald is all about conspicuous consumption.

But as I'm sure you've heard, that’s not everyone’s idea of success. There is this whole audience of people who think the Donald and development in general are sort of evil and symptomatic of what’s wrong with the world.

No, don’t get up. I know you’re going to love this idea. Come on now, Mark, you’ve got to trust me! Have a donut and hear me out.

So there’s this huge crowd of people who aren’t that attracted to the idea of becoming Donald Trump’s lackeys. So here’s the idea: You turn that whole thing on its ear. You do The Anti-Apprentice.

First you get two teams of young environmentalists. There’ll be one or two like Trucker Sue and Rupert -- hairy, wrinkly, possibly naked. But charismatic. The rest of ‘em will be hot. Like straight up hot young environmentalists. Not the kind who don’t bathe enough, but like Amber from Survivor-types. Environmentalists in bathing suits. Yeah, that’s it. They will all wear bathing suits. Except when they have to take meetings in the city. Then you can dress them up like the Apprentices, in really nice suits and short skirts etc. Or you could dress them like they’ve just come off safari -- a Harrison Ford sort of look for the men and a Lara Croft sort of vibe for the ladies. Whatever, we can work out those details. The key is that they will be hot. Or charismatic. But not both, because that would be confusing for the viewers.

So these teams of hot or charismatic young environmentalists will each get a task. And it’ll be tough, even tougher than in the Great Race. They’ll have to save a section of old growth rainforest or something. Or stop a developer (The Donald? Wouldn't that just be such amazing cross promotion!) from paving one of the last remaining wetlands. Or they might have to save an entire species like the wild panda. Or try to get the auto industry to enact environmental laws. Something along those lines.

To achieve this goal they'll do activism and take meetings. We can work out the details. But the important thing is, there will be a lot of SLEEPING AROUND! This is totally key. While the environmentalists are saving the world, they’ll also be getting it on with one another. Like coupling up, but they won’t stop there. I’m talking enviro-partner swapping! Eh? Isn’t it genius! We're talking can't-miss TV!

There should also be some semi-illegal stuff, protests and whatnot, and some people (the charismatic ones) should get beaten up and arrested. The hot ones shouldn’t because you can’t risk them getting a baton to the head and not being as hot. And they will also VOTE ONE ANOTHER OFF! Due to all the sleeping around. And maybe from the drinking. Because there should be definitely be drinking.

And in the end, the people who are left and have saved their forest, whale, whatever, will get a prize. Obviously it can’t be a sport utility vehicle. But maybe it could be a kayak. Or a kayaking company! Yeah, the winner gets to have their own kayaking/trekking company. Based out of Nepal because those people love Nepal.

I figure the host can be David Suzuki. We could get him to do like an elaborate comb-over so he looks a bit like The Donald. That will help his TV Q.

So? What do you think?

Okay, that’s great. Get back to me. I’ll be waiting!

Oh, hey wait! I just thought of this. We would have an audience voting system! For audience participation. The audience could vote for the hottest environmentalist. Or you could use the America’s Next Top Model panel to vote on the hottest environmentalist. Or you could get Simon Cowell to give a prize for the person who endures the most brutal police attack during a protest! I’m telling you Mark, this thing is going to be bigger than American Idol… We could even name it Environmental Idol! Or the Environmental Apprentice! Or Save Paradise Hotel!

Call me babe! You know you love it!

The Interview

Hi to you, Barbara. I’m glad to be here and feeling great. Thanks for asking.

What’s that? (Chuckles humbly). Yes, it is a little weird that Americans want my opinion on who they should elect in November. But I’m flattered. Really.

You want to know who I think should be the next president? Oh, Barbara, I’m sure you have your own ideas…

You don’t? Well, in that case, I have to say I’m for Kerry.

Why?

Well, first there’s his hair. The man has fantastic hair.

You don’t think that’s a reason? Oh, Barbara, I have to disagree. The greatest U.S. presidents have all had marvelous hair. Clinton, Kennedy. Take a look at the archives and you’ll see. Good hair is the single greatest indicator of a successful presidency.

(Shrugs humbly.) It’s all about close observation, Barb. May I call you Barb? Great. What’s that? No, actually I’d prefer you called me Susan.

What else do I like about Kerry? Well, the man has a very strong environmental record. And let’s face it, without a healthy environment we’ll all be living in world that looks like the set from Blade Runner. Except for all the animals and birds (not to mention poorer people) that go extinct. www.salon.com/books/feature/2004/08/24/rfk_jr/index.html
They won’t even get to live in a Blade Runner-type situation. Which reminds me of that line in The Weakerthan’s song, Plea From a Cat Named Virtue:

We can talk about the weather
Or how the weather used to be.

Isn't that just the most chilling line in pop music? The weather’s crazy and the other guy won’t even admit there’s a problem.

Eh? Get back on track? About what? Oh, Kerry. Yeah, he’d be good because, like obviously, he’s a decorated war hero in spite of what those speed boaters hired by the other guy say. That should be illegal. Giving people money to lie about perfectly good war heroes is pretty despicable. I mean, especially since the other guy didn’t even do his National Guard duty. Why doesn’t anyone talk about that?

Pardon? Why won’t I say the other guy’s name? Ha! That’s a good question Barb. But I would like someday to visit your fair country again and I don’t want to end up with my name on some list. There is no list? I beg to differ. I heard the other guy and his people are major list-makers. Checking-it-twice kind of list-makers. Shit-list makers if you will. I'm all about avoiding the list, B!

Yes, B., I think Kerry’s got a firm grasp on the issues. Keeping jobs in the U.S. and all that. He’s good with numbers, the economy. And frankly, his eyes are a nice distance apart.

I mean his eyes are an appropriate distance apart. Now, I’m not saying the other guy’s eyes are too close together, but they are. Someone should ask him about that. They should add the eye question to the other ones they want to ask him: http://kerryblog.blogspot.com

Look Barb, I’m telling you, the other guy’s eyes are only a few millimetres apart. (That’s metric. It’s how we measure here in Canada. It’s British. Yeah, I know, it’s annoying. No, I don’t think Kerry would make you guys switch if he wins.)

War on terror? Oh definitely Kerry’s your man. There’s the decorated war hero thing. Plus, he can speak French. It’s been proven that a lot of stuff gets said in French and some of it's terrifying. I don't want to go into specifics. The other guy, and I'm not trying to be rude here, but there's some concern that he can't even speak English. That's a problem. At least, I think it is. And I'm from Canada and can't speak French so I think I have some insight.

And the wives? They've both got good spouses. The other guy’s spouse used to be a librarian and I totally approve of that: Shout out to librarians! You’re my people, babes! But I think her mother-in-law keeps her on a tight leash. She doesn't have enough of the Giles in her. (Buffy fans know what I mean.) Teresa Heinz Kerry, on the other hand, she keeps it real, even though she's so rich and everything. She says what she thinks. She’s like ketchup: Saucy! I love her. Any guy that would marry Teresa has good taste, man.

You’d prefer I kept it to Barb and not "man"? Fine. Be uptight. You asked me for this interview, B. I could have gone on The Daily Show. I love Jon Stewart. Now there’s a guy with good hair and eyes in all the right places!

How do I feel about the fact that I have probably influenced the course of history by coming out so strongly in favour of Kerry? Well, B., I feel good about it. I do what I can. I just wish it was more.