Knock out

The two things I pretended to punch at this week's Tai Bo class:

1) whatever it was the made the girl in front of me, the one hiding her starving body in an oversized grey sweatsuit, feel like she had to stop eating.

2) so called "new environmentalism": http://www.powells.com/cgi-bin/biblio?inkey=8-1400075211-0

Hey Baby!

I write sitting at a desk on the second floor of our house. In front of me is a window that looks out at several large trees.

I've wondered why there are generally hummingbirds hovering around outside the window but just attributed it to the fact that we have three feeders and the entire area is abuzz with hummers.

Today I got a wonderful surprise. As I watched, the wind moved a branch and revealed a tiny nest overflowing with a fat baby hummingbird. For something not much bigger than a ball of cotton batting, he seems very self-satisfied. He grooms himself constantly, wriggling his little behind. He is never still, but is always angling for a more comfy position. His mother comes around pretty often with tidbits for him to eat, but he likes to give the impression he's more or less self-sufficent. Except for when the wind tilts the nest too much and he has to scramble to hang on.

I think I'm going to call him Napoleon. He has such confidence.

On another note, I hope you'll join Meg Cabot and I today for a chat! It will be taking place at 4:00 PTS (7:00 EST). Meg is incredibly funny and nice. It will be great fun. Here's some info about getting registered and participating: www.megcabotbookclub.com/messageboard/viewtopic.php?t=1365
I hope to see you there!

Retail Karma

Why, you might legitimately ask, do I have so many problems with retail salespeople?

Is it because of the not-always sunny look on my face? My impatience? My impossibly high standards of customer service?

I think the answer is none of the above. The problem is karma.

My first job was as a video store clerk. I was 16 or so and had a lot of attitude. It wasn't good attitude, either. It wasn't positive attitude. It was Do-you-mind-I'm-trying-to-watch-The-Breakfast-Club-here kind of attitude.

If you've ever seen the movie Clerks you'll have some kind of idea what a charmer I was behind the counter of that video store. I hated my customers and for no good reason other than they insisted on coming in and trying to rent videos. The nerve! Here I was, just trying to collect my minimum wage while watching teen cinema classics such as Porky's, and these people refused to let me alone.

"Excuse me? But do you have that Woody Allen movie with Mia Farrow?"

(Sigh) "Which one?"

"The one where she has some sisters."

"Hannah and her Sisters."

"That's it!"

(Bored) "It's over there."

I never got off my stool unless there was a good reason, such as it was on fire. I only recommended movies I liked. When the 65 year old couple came in looking for something for their 5 year old grandchild I had no trouble recommending Heathers.

And I was particularly intolerant of the WWF and kung fu crowds.

"You got that one where Bruce Lee kicks rocks?"

"How about that one where that guy jumps on that other guy and like, knocks him down?"

"No. We don't have it."

"Are you sure? Cause I think I saw it in here before."

"No."

The turning point at that job came for me when a man came in shortly before closing one night. Oh, how I hated the last-minute renters! Any luckless person who had the misfortune to come in in the last 30 minutes of business hours was treated to a particularly poor shopping experience. I was giving him my usual monosyllabic answers, dripping with barely concealed hostility, when he said, "Is there something wrong with you?"

"---?"

"Seriously. You're really rude. Do you hate this job?"

"---!"

And that's all it took. I was so embarrassed I GOT OFF MY STOOL and HELPED HIM FIND A MOVIE! And from that day forward I was a reformed retail worker. Okay, well, I was still a bit rude, intermittently, you know, depending on how my romantic life was going etc. But overall, I was much improved.

So here's what I've realized about people like that charmless girl who works at the garden centre and refuses to answer my questions:

1. My questions are dumb.

2. She is just karmic payback in human form.

3. If she keeps it up I would be doing her a favour by saying:
"Is there something wrong? Because by god, you are intolerably rude..."

Targets

This week at my Tai Bo/Kickboxing class I aimed my flurries of punches and kicks at Jonathan Randall, the arch villain from Outlander. Sadistic monster: Take that!

Also pretend attacked: the girl from the local garden centre who was quite rude when I asked a perfectly legitimate question about planting nicotania and coleus in acidic soil. You tell me to read the label? How about I kick the label! Hiya! Take that. And that! Read the label! I don't read no stinking labels... Hiya!

Perhaps a bit more meditation is in order to quell my violent streak. Either that or Outlander has unleashed the beast within...

Contact info

Because of a weird glitch with Blogger, my contact information tends to migrate around this page. A few readers have contacted Diane, the wonderful and talented person (not to mention ultra-fab book designer, dab hand with a flyfishing rod and accomplished bird watcher and goldfish raiser) who designed this site, to find out how to get in touch. If you'd like to suggest a new title for the UK version of Miss Smithers, send your picks to: andfurthermore@shaw.ca.

So far I've gotten some EXTREMELY strong entries. I'm thinking of beginning a poker pool (or whatever it's called when you bet on winners) about which ones might be successful.

And apropos of nothing, I'm currently reading Diana Gabaldon's Outlander. As all of my friends and a helpful local bookseller sang its praises so loudly I felt I had to check it out. Goodness gracious it's quite a racy little bit of Scots history, eh wot! I find myself using Jamie Fraser-isms such as "verra" for "very". But I'm getting a bit concerned about our heroine. After all, practically every person she comes in contact with makes a grab for her in the first thirty seconds.

Anyway, "verra" exciting!

Ideas? Anyone? Anyone?

I'm trying to come up with a new title for Miss Smithers for the U.K. edition. See, the problem with Miss Smithers is that it sounds like it refers to a teacher. All the options I've managed are terrible. Titling is not my bag. Friends and family have given me some good ideas (and some incredibly twisted ideas) but I want more!

So here's the deal: If you have read Miss Smithers and suggest a title that HarperCollins UK actually wants to use, I will send you a free copy of Alice, I Think and Miss Smithers and you can use them to pad your library or give to a friend or for putting coffee cups on or whatever.

The title of Alice, I Think in the U.K. is I'm Alice, I Think. Here it is: isn't it great!

The Return

If blog neglect is a crime, I may be looking at 6 months in jail. But I have a good excuse. I've been touring for the past two weeks and the shock of interacting with people other than my husband and dog put me into such a state that I was unable to update my blog. Yes, I know, it's a tragic story.

Anyway, I'm back now and after visiting Calgary (go Flames!), Ottawa, Toronto and New York, all I have to say is I love librarians, publicists, readers and the woman from Honduras who helped me get back to Manhattan when I got lost in Queens.

Now that I'm back there are two great things to mention:

1. If you live in Ontario you are eligible to enter a contest sponsored by Miss Smithers and Fashion 18 (Canada's newest teen fashion magazine) and win a $2000 trip to a spa! Or copies of Alice, I Think and Miss Smithers! The grand prize will give you and a friend a trip in a limo to the spa and an entire day of trying to forget Alice's fashion mishaps! I'm doing an online chat with Fashion 18.com tomorrow from 10:00 - 12:30 PST (1:00 to 3:30 EST).
www.fashion18secure.com/harpercollins/index.jsp

2. And I must say I'm a bit giddy about this one because I'm a dedicated Meg Cabot fan. Meg Cabot, author of the Princess Diaries and All American Girl (and the Mediator series and many other excellent books) has started a book club. It's sort of like Oprah's, but with a sense of humour. And for her first book she has chosen Miss Smithers! So check it out. The site is great. You'll even get to chat with Meg!
http://www.megcabotbookclub.com